I always imagined the university to be just like how the media portrays it. Equally-trimmed Bermuda grass with flawlessly paved stone and marble sidewalks. Beautiful, crimson brick-buildings under old, majestically tall, thick-leafed trees. Serene, reverie-indulging libraries and leather-bound books perfectly categorized in towering neo-Gothic shelves with wheeled, wooden ladders to match. Young Einsteins, Shakespeares, Kennedies, and Zuckerbergs in preppy sweaters, strolling across campus. Ah, I can already smell the soothing aroma of top-quality education and feel the breeze of academic freedom encouraging me to delve into the deep of personal and intellectual growth.
Little did I realize that, all this time, the image that I’ve developed of what a university is was majorly influenced by Western and occidental representations—mostly those of wealthy, and prestigious roots. Instead of the Ivy League-esque scenery I’ve conjured up in my head, I get arm-length carabao grass with bumpy, cracked cement. Aged, discolored buildings shaded by creeping mangrove-y plants. Crowded libraries with rows of long untouched books on modest wooden shelves. And as a bonus: an unbelievable amount of stray cats lurking everywhere and no preppy sweaters.
How careless of me to think that the aesthetic qualities of the likes of Oxford, Harvard, and the like could ever come close to the universities in my cozy little archipelago in the Pacific.
I guess this sort of mentality gravely affected how I looked at my university in general. Aside from this, the classes that I took were nothing like what I expected either. First of all, it was as if most of the educators didn’t give a crap about any of us students. I felt like mere a student number rather than a young novice seeking guidance from her wiser, old masters. In addition, some of my teachers twisted their curriculum so differently from the rest of the general education courses that I didn’t get the same academic foundation as the other freshmen did—despite of having taken the same course. Some of the subjects I took deviated so far from the course description that I didn’t even understand what I was doing there anymore. It was rather frustrating, too, that I couldn’t do anything about it.
In the end, the classes I was most excited about turned out to be the ones I would dread waking up every morning for.
Apart from this, I also had the false notion that I would immediately meet people who are exactly like me. I thought I’d meet people with similar belief systems, ideologies, political views, interests, food preferences, etc. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty unbelievable expectation to have for a state university that caters to all religions, social class, political stands, and even sexuality. Nevertheless, considering how big the university is, I thought I was bound to meet new friends of the same background.
From these unfortunate letdowns, I immediately assumed that I wouldn’t be enjoying my stay at the university. Oftentimes, I would begin to think how I would have ended up if I enrolled in the private university I was initially going to enter, or even accepted my scholarship in another school that I also considered. Surely, I wouldn’t be too far from my comfort zone there. Perhaps the professors there would treat us a little better. Maybe I would have met more people on the same wavelength as me. I brooded continually and confined myself in an isolated period of regret, not opening up to any of my friends about my personal ordeal. Because of this, I was too discouraged to study, and too bothered to care about making new friends. At this point, I became excessively clingy towards my old friends and overly nostalgic about my ‘glory days’ in high school. Looking back at myself now, I’d say it was pretty damn pathetic.
I guess one lesson learned from this is that I shouldn’t have expected too much. I filled my head with all these expectations which sort of blocked out the new ideas from coming in. I kept a closed mind, barring myself from learning anything new.
College is college and there will always be courses that are so much more than what we sign up for. There will always be professors that will make you feel like a pathetic excuse for a student. There will always be people who have different perspectives than you who may even condemn you for it. And, there will always be an endless supply of stray cats in my country.
I carelessly assumed that college would rid me of all the problems and worries of the past and bless me with the glorious gift of a fresh, new life—a clean slate. Because of my assumptions, I completely forgot about why I chose to accept my slot at the state university in the first place. I didn’t go to the university to admire the picturesque view. Nor did I go there to get spoon-fed by professors. And, I most definitely didn’t go there just to feel like I belong.
I chose to go to the state university over the others for the experience and the life lessons I’ll be learning from there. With all due respect, there are so many things that can still be fixed or improved in my university, but I guess these are the imperfections I can use to reflect the imperfections in myself. I knew that the university would prepare me not only for my future career, but also life in general—hardships, ugliness, cats, and all.
